late night thoughts
not really a content warning, but i want to clarify i was questioning plurality here. i don't have an answer to my experiences yet to this day; please be respectful orz
┤ late night thoughts ┤
nepeta's silly identity issues + a vent
ever since i was a kid, ive never had a stable identity. my minecraft username history can tell you EVERYTHING, dude (i have almost 50 usernames changes :skull:)
the cycle would go a little bit like this: wowee, new identity -> i feel like this for a while ==> suddenly i dont, i feel different ==> wowee, new identity...... you know. this identity shit has persisted throughout my teenhood, and now into adulthood. i seem a little more aware of it now. as for the older identities... well. they disappear forever, i think. i wish i had an answer to what the fuck this is, because unfortunately i don't. it's distressing, though.
now, this blog entry HEAVILY goes offtopic, but here's the thing that ive wanted to open up about for a little while, but was unsure on where to open up.
do you guys ever have characters kinda... "speak through you", or "bleed into your thoughts"?? i have, a few times. it's kinda rare, but it's genuinely really scary when it happens. you feel all weird and nothing feels real and your head feels foggy, and after you come out of it, you kinda struggle to remember what the fuck happened (you have an inkling of what happened, but thats about it). ive had a history of characters talking to me, mostly inconherent stuff, but rarely i'd be able to actually make out something. this was MASSIVELY the case with vosim from chipspeech - he was a HUGE comfort for me back then, as well, so, lol. i remember he said a few things to me, such as the time when i was having a meltdown over school, and he told me "please, you need to try it!!". or that other time where he called out my deadname, i corrected him and he apologized. and that other time where he spoke through me + during that moment, this was made:
i still felt like i was there in that moment, but it just felt so weird, like it wasn't me doing that. that was in may 2022.
then there was another time a year or so later (i think), where he did it again, and "i" was recalling stuff that happened to... vosim. i was recalling it to dee klatt (chip dee, to be exact - they aren't in my brain anymore), i think. i don't remember the whole thing, but i do remember saying something along the lines of i just don't understand, one minute, there were people here, and the next moment, they were gone!!!". it was SO weird!!!!
chip vosim isn't there anymore. say hi to vosim jink!!!
he's been here a while, and he's still active. still here. the first time he spoke to me was, again, in may 2022. i was revising in geography class, and suddenly i heard his voice (sounds similar to chip vosim's, but i could tell it was vosim jink). he was calling out to me, saying stuff like "hey val, heeeey!!! over here!!!!! HEEEEEY!!!!!!", and stuff like "HI FRIEND!!!!" (what he called me back then). i glanced up, because i couldn't focus thanks to him. when i did, i saw him (he was some weird looking shadow) move away from the classroom's door window as soon as i saw him. oh yeah, he wouldn't shut up all day. serious about that btw (he wouldn't talk much when chip vosim was around, i'll get into that later) :o/
now, onto vosim jink, for reals.. i remember in 2023 he'd get SO MAD at me whenever i wanted to interact with sovstuck shit, he'd say shit like "don't trust them don't trust them don't trust them DON'T TRUST THEM!!!!!" whenever i even considered joining. his argument?? "they're gonna hurt you again, just like the chipspeech fandom did!!". in mid 2023, whenever i'd try to get away from him (aka get away from the chip fandom) because he was genuinely causing me distress, he'd start to cry + beg me not to "leave him here all alone". those are the few things i remember him saying, a lot of them i don't really remember.
vosim jink says he booted "chip vosim" out of existence. but i dunno.
i never really thought about those moments, i just thought i was just being weird + just having breakdowns. now, here's where it gets complicated. back in march of this year, it happened again. i don't remember it well, other than the fact that i was reading a convo on the sovstuck discord (they were talking about systems (will talk about in a sec) im pretty sure). i felt that weird feeling again, only this time it was SO MUCH STRONGER than the times it happened before. next thing i know, there's someone called "calliope" here. calliope's an alakazam, by the way, brain calliope takes the form of this design i made for vosim jink if he was an alakazam. all i massively remember from that moment was that "vosim panicked, so he sent out calliope". here's some screenshots from that moment.
^ i was starting to slowly come out of this weird moment, regain control, even
and a few things from that day (or, well. night lol), too.
oh yeah. calliope is still here, btw. on my 18th birthday they came out for, like, a second when i got that alakazam funko pop. i have a vague memory of them saying "hello alakazam!!", and that was it.
i did have communication with a few others (an old one from, like, 2017 told me her name was darcy... before disappearing a while later), and last month i was able to count 4 of these brain guys, 3 actually active ones. ever since a meltdown i had a few weeks ago, it's been mostly radio silence. and now i'm nepeta. wow.
now, this all kiiiiiinda points to system stuff. but i can't be a system. i just can't be, there's no way. this never happened before 2021. i don't think i align with the symptoms for OSDD-1 or partial-DID (which ive been looking at). everytime i look into system shit, my brain completely blanks out and i feel a little weird. and as for calliope and vosim (the two properly active brain guys as of june '24)... well. they're not really "alters" because they're not really that distinct, and they don't properly "front". most they can do is, like i said, "speak through me" and "bleed into my thoughts". brain vosim doesn't really have interests + only really is there to comfort + protect, and brain calliope is just some smaller, cheerful version of me. i don't know, i really don't know.
this shit genuinely scares me to think about. thinking about it more makes me feel even more scared and weird. i've been trying to research different disorders + trying to see if there's any other explanation (CPTSD, BPD, maladaptive daydreaming, if i'm just heavily subconsciously roleplaying or hyperfixating, etc) for this shit. i feel so uncertain about shit. i'm scared i'm faking shit.
i'll give this shit a month or two. then i'll see if this all goes away. maybe i'm just going insane from stress.